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Culture Spotlight

SATIRE: An Open Letter to my Dad, the Congressman

I was going to tweet, but realized I have a lot to say. By JUANCHO ANTON O. MANALOTO
ANCX | Jul 14 2020

Dear Dad,

Remember in May when we had a fight because you were uploading TikTok dance videos to distract the people from the fact that you were practically MIA during the early days of COVID-19? Then, I told you, “Dad, this is the worst, most embarrassing thing you've ever done to our family!” Yeah, well, in fairness to you...ONCE AGAIN, you have proven me wrong.

Voting NO to ABS-CBN, uh, wait. Voting YES to denying ABS-CBN a franchise is the worst, most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done to the Manaloto family. I know your campaign slogan was “Panalo ’to, Basta Manaloto,” but oh, man, if this is what it feels like to win, I can’t even imagine how it feels like to lose.

“Manaloto tayo, Juancho! Hindi tayo Mataloto!” you’ll probably tell me again. *rolls eyes infinitum*

I heard your interview, by the way. The one you gave the other day about how you came to this decision and that you considered the voices of your constituents especially the young peoples. But dad, posting on Instagram using a magic 8-ball story filter then counting how many hearts you get is not talking to the people. Oh, man. 

By the way, have you seen my social media accounts lately? People are tagging me non-stop! (Note: Dear Fellow Woke Pinoys, I am not my dad. He’s @juanmanaloto. I’m @juanmanalo2. Please stop cancelling me. Cancel my dad then follow me. Please!) 

You know I love you, right? You’re my father. So, come clean. Tell me the truth. Did you get confused about that YES or NO vote because they changed it at the last minute? I know you, dad. You’re my dad! It’s not unlike you to make a mistake and just own it because of pride. “Hindi matatalo to, basta Manaloto!” *rolls eyes infinitumer* Oh, man. Honestly, I’d rather believe you just got confused. At least, I’d know you actually had good intentions.

If YES was your actual vote and you weren’t confused at all, could you at least tell me why? Are you still mad because they only briefly showed you on It’s Showtime when you brought a barangay there while campaigning? You have to move on, dad. Like Run The Jewels said, “If you get bitter, you will never get better. Never get better, then you never get bigger. Never get bigger then you never make cheddar.” Oh, man. How we gonna get that cheddar?! Tell me! I don’t even want to go to Pinoy Big Brother but thanks to you, I won’t even get a chance to join! That’s theoretical cheddar that I won’t even get to taste!

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Speaking of cheddar… Dad, are we running out of cheddar? I know our businesses have been hit hard by COVID-19. All our lotto outlets have been closed for months. But are we that desperate that you had to vote YES? Everyone was watching the hearing and it was pretty clear that there were no violations and there were no reasons to not grant them the franchise. Agree to disagree, sure. But you know what irks me more, you were just quiet the entire time. I saw you on the live feed. Yes, you were there but you could have contributed more to our city if you didn’t go out and spent taxpayer’s money on gas just to nod and agree like a damn drone. Oh, man.

I just don’t understand, dad. Don’t you care about our country’s future anymore? How about mine? Don’t you care about my future?

So yeah, Christmas is gonna be a little weird this year. I don’t know if we’ll see each other soon, with the whole pandemic thing and you etching our family name into history books as one of the seventy losers. I’ll probably have to change my name to something cool like Juancho Aragones. But, let’s see, you know how I hate to fill up paperwork. Say hi to mom for me. Oh wait! She’s not there because she hates you too!

 

Peace out,

Juancho Anton O. Manaloto

*drops mic*

 

P.S. We’ll talk about the Anti-Terror Law next time. For now, could you please try to do something about COVID-19? Please! *drops mic, for real*

 

Words by Al Cruz