Westeros isn’t the only place that’s rife with despair, political intrigue, power play, and plot twists. You can find the constant clash of ideologies, emotional manipulation, and never-ending conflict right in the discomfort of your own ancestral home. Not even an episode of Game of Thrones can rival that intense pressure that you undergo whenever you attend a reunion. It’s best to be prepared for battle during the long night by identifying the players in the game.
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The Competitive Tita
Cersei may be all smiles when she greets you but don’t be fooled. She’s about to slap you with a backhanded compliment about your low-paying job, lack of a love life, and weight gain while high-key comparing you to her own children and their achievements. Be careful engaging this tita because she can turn it around and get you in trouble with the parents for talking back at her.
The MIA Cousin
Jon Snow is the resident good boy who makes questionable choices whenever he falls in love. He has the tendency to drop off the face of the earth leaving his relatives wondering what happened. Then, he resurfaces after months of hiberdating to surprise his family with a new girlfriend, much to their disapproval.
The Rebellious Cousin
She’s the rule-breaking cousin who lives her best life without taking crap from her nosy relatives. Arya keeps a list of toxic family members who are indefinitely blocked from her social media channels and might as well be dead. You barely recognize this cousin during gatherings since she’s constantly coming out with a new #aesthetic, whether it’s pink hair or an entirely different face.
The Drunk Tito
The man who “drinks and knows things” is the go-to guy if you need to unwind from the insanity that is your family. This tito entertains you by cracking gut-busting jokes and offering advice that may be hit or miss depending on the level of drunkenness at the time.
The No B.S. Lola
The grandma who tells it like it is! Lola can be overly critical, tactless, and her thorny remarks may hurt like a bitch, but at least you can count on her to give honest feedback. She despises fake people and is the only one powerful enough to shut down your competitive tita. You may groan about it now but you secretly aspire to achieve her level of audacity when you’re older.
The Balikbayan Tita
Melisandre comes in fashionably late so she can make a grand entrance showing off her pasalubong. She’s the most generous out of all the relatives, which makes her a sought after ninang. But since she has to keep track of so many godchildren, she tends to mix up the ages and ends up giving your grown ass self a toy. (Not that you’re complaining because it’s another addition to your collection.)
The Chismosa Relative
This relative knows the dirt about everything and everyone in the family—even the best-kept secrets aren’t safe from her. She will occasionally cause a stir by revealing cryptic blind items to select relatives and let the family drama run like Wildfire.
The High-Achieving Kid Cousin
While you were making “pew-pew-pew” sounds with your action figures, Lyanna already represents the entire school at an international science fair. This child has accomplished more feats in their few years of orbiting the earth than you ever will as an adult. Who knew that a grade-schooler could give you a bout of existential crisis?
The Lolo Who’s Frozen In Time
If the politically incorrect speech hasn’t clued you in yet, it seems that your grandfather is stuck in the past. He often shares stories about his youth A.K.A. the era when “men were men” and dismisses the younger generation as pansies. This lolo likes to revive long-dead topics and is obsessed with the World War.
The Career-Driven Cousin
This CEO built her startup company from the ground up and has plans for expansion. Her charisma alone has amassed hundreds of loyal followers who worked under her leadership. Thanks to all her accomplishments, she’s immune to the scrutiny of the relatives. They can’t even comment on her physical appearance because Dany leads a healthy lifestyle! Instead, they grasp at straws by pestering her to “settle down” which she pointedly ignores. You admire her drive and also acknowledge that she’s as hot as dragonfire. (You know, from an objective perspective. Because otherwise, it’s weird AF since you’re related, right? Right?!)
Photographs from HBO